Thirty One

     Today Madison would have been 31 years old.  I still wonder what she would be doing now if she were still here.  One thing I know for sure is that she would be very happy for her sister Dallas.  Dallas is getting married to a lovely young man named Dennis.  Yes once again we are adding to the family.  I have a bonus daughter in Leslie and now a bonus son in Dennis.  I'm so happy for him to be part of the family but then he's felt like part of the family for a while now.  I also know that Madison would have loved Dennis too.

    When I think about where we were as a family 14 years ago I could not have imagined today I and we were so wrought with grief that it felt like betrayal to think about happier times to come.  But I also know that that is what Madison would have wanted.  I'm sure she's quite pleased by how far we've all come from where we were all those years ago after she left us.  

    I still miss her like crazy and still cry for her or rather for me because I miss her so much.  I know she's here with us as we celebrate the marriage of Dallas & Dennis but I wish she were here in a different way so that I could hug her again.  I know we all feel that way, those of us who knew her best and love her.  I know she gives her blessing to their marriage as do we.  I am filled with so much love for my children, all my children.

Happy 30th birthday

  I know I haven’t posted anything in over a year, it started to feel like I was repeating myself.  And, maybe I will with this post too, but I want to acknowledge what would have been Madison’s 30th birthday.  It’s hard to wrap my head around the fact that my children are getting older, I know of course that I am too, maybe that’s the issue.  I think about what I was doing at their ages, those were the happiest years of my life and at the time I’m not sure I fully realized it.  I’m not saying it all goes downhill after your 30’s, but after losing a child there is a shift.  Her sudden loss left me/us in shock.

My greatest joy is spending time with my children.  I’ve always enjoyed spending time with them.  Yes there were moments, as a stay at home mom, when I would go in the bathroom and lock the door just to have a few minutes to myself but that didn’t happen too often.  After we lost Madison I wanted to be near my other children as much as possible.  Dallas didn’t care for that and I don’t think I was a very good mom for a while after losing Madison.  Maybe I wasn’t before either, there are so many things I wish I had known when my kids were growing up that I have since learned.  

I can see how some of Madison’s closest friends are doing now through social media and I’m proud to see what strong women they are.  Madison had a strong opinion and wasn’t shy about letting her feelings be known, so I’d like to think that she would also be a strong woman.  Dallas also had a strong personality and I am so proud of the strong woman she is.  She and Derric have taught me so much as they’ve grown into their adulthood. I'm so proud of both of them and she would be too.  When we're all together, me, Mark, Derric & Leslie and Dallas & Dennis it’s so much fun.  We talk about anything and everything and play games that are silly and some that make you have to do math. (That’s supposed to be funny, it is in my head.)  I just know Madison would be right in there having fun too.  I also know that she would have loved having Leslie and Dennis as sister and brother-in-law and I know they would have loved her too.  I also know that she would have loved getting to know her niece Juliana and connecting with Noelle. 

I miss my children.  I miss the house being full with them and their friends hanging out, rooting through the pantry and refrigerator asking for more food.  I miss driving them to places like the movie or mall.  I miss watching movies with them or watching clouds in the sky.  I miss driving around town and getting lost only to discover we’re actually close to home.  I don’t ever want to forget those times.

I’m thankful that I do get to spend time with my children on occasion now that they are grown and have busy lives.  And we do still sometimes watch movies together and even get lost, but rarely and only if I’m driving.  I know I’ve said it before but if I could do it all over again I would.  My love for Madison didn’t die with her; it still lives in my heart.  She still lives in my memories.  Happy heavenly 30th birthday Madison! 

(I know this post seems a bit disjointed, my thoughts are all over the place and I guess I write as I think, oh well.)

12 Years

 It’s been twelve years since I held my daughter Madison in my arms.  These past years haven’t been easy but we go on, she would have wanted that.  Yesterday, October 9th was her feast day.  We celebrated her life at her favorite place and had dinner at one of her favorite restaurants.  We shared Madison dreams and memories, we laughed and we cried.  We talked about how much she loved her family and how much she would have loved our newest additions.  A toast to the life of our sweet girl and all the memories she left us with that we can share and help others understand what kind of person she was and why her loss is so greatly felt.

photos coming soon

28

I brought Madison daisies today for her birthday.  After I placed them in the vase I noticed a patch of clovers near the end of her grave and thought, I wonder if I can find a four leaf clover.  I looked down and immediately saw one near, “Sissy.”  I picked it.  I’m not one to see signs everywhere but I took this as a good one.

I miss my sweet girl so much and want to share a memory or two. Two days before Madison’s heart surgery at Johns Hopkins Hospital we went sightseeing I think near a pier.  Madison got out of her wheelchair to get a better look at something and her cousin got in it and started playing around.  When she wanted to sit back down she shooed him away.  A man was walking past and said to her, “you know it’s bad luck to play in a wheelchair.”  Without hesitation she said, “Good thing I ain’t playin!”  I loved that comeback.  She was a strong person, but having to be so strong all the time can make you weary.  Madison would get tired of dealing with the attitudes of people who didn’t know her.

One day a couple of years before her surgery we went to dinner with a friend.  Madison didn’t want to bring the wheelchair, she said she would just walk to the entrance then be sitting the whole time so it was no big deal.  There were no disabled parking spots available (she didn’t want to get out at the entrance either) so the walk was a little farther than usual (aprox. 10-15 yards).  She got tired halfway there so we stopped for her to rest on a bench.  We all just hung out, no big deal and I guess we circled around her.  Our friend was amazed how we all just paused and waited for Madison to rest.  There was no complaint; we waited for a few minutes and talked, even Derric and Dallas.  That was our normal, she needed time we gave it to her.  Derric and Dallas who were also children patiently waited without complaint.  They knew their sister needed some special care and gave it to her.  Often Madison would walk next to her sister and have her hand on Dallas’ shoulder for support.  Even if they had just been arguing Dallas always helped Madison in this way.  I’m so proud of how Derric and Dallas helped Madison.  They were always there for her even when they disagreed.  

If I’ve shared these memories before...oh well!

Happy heavenly birthday my sweet girl!!!  I love you so much and always will.

                          This is that day in Baltimore.

Honor

 

I’ve been filled with conflict on what to write today about Madison, her life her death, our lives before and after.  I have started and deleted several different stories over the last few weeks.  I talked to Dallas the other day and while thinking about that conversation figured it out.  Dallas said she wanted to honor her sister on the anniversary of her death but didn’t know what to do.  I told her to just live her life.  Dallas likes to write Madison did too, so I told her to spend some time writing, watch Gilmore Girls and eat some chocolate covered popcorn.  I said she should do something that she and Madison liked to do together, but most of all just live her life.  I remember Madison apologizing to me a time or two for being a burden.  She was NEVER a burden.  Madison felt like she held us back from doing different things, that wasn’t the case.  So, for Dallas and all of those who cared for Madison to be able to live their lives the way they want is the best way to honor her.

Madison was so full of love for her family and friends, she wanted us to be happy.  She wanted to be healthy and able to do so many things that she couldn’t.  That’s why I always focused on finding happiness in the little things in life and tried to impart that to my children.  I am so grateful for those little things because they make my memories richer.  I knew that if I could teach my children to appreciate the little things they would have more meaningful lives.  I wanted Madison so know that even though she couldn't physically keep up with her peers she could still have fun.  I wanted her to know that her physical limitations had no impact on her intellect and imagination.  But I didn't just want Madison to know this I wanted all of my children to know it too.  I wanted my children to know that they didn’t have to have expensive things to be happy.  I wanted them to be happy finding animal shapes in the clouds or sharing a movie and popcorn with friends.  I wanted them to be happy playing outside in a pile of raked up leaves or creating their own games out of an empty box or losing themselves or maybe finding themselves in a book.

The best way to honor Madison is to live our lives the way we want, because that’s what she wanted to do.  I thank God every day for the little things.

“It has always been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important.”  Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

Dear Madison 27

A letter to Madison

My Dear Madison,

First of all happy birthday!  Happy heavenly birthday.  It's hard to believe that you would have been twenty seven years old today.  It's even harder to believe that you've been gone for ten and half years.  The dogwoods are blooming just in time for your birthday, I think that would make you happy.  You might say it's nature's gift to you.  The weather has also been very nice, cool mornings and warm (not hot) days.

I miss you so much Madison.  I'm trying not to dwell on your absence when I think of you but it is very hard.  You made such a big impression, I miss your humor, your laughter and your hugs. I am so grateful that you were mine even if for a brief time.  There is so much more I could write but I won't, you know my heart.

I love you,
Mama
xoxo

Her Happy Relief

I was recently watching The Lord of the Rings Return of the King; I love these movies.  As I watched the scene when Frodo gets onto the ship I had a rush of emotion.  I know that this represents the death of all who get on this ship and I have always known it since I read the book.  But what struck me is that when Frodo looks back and smiles he seems relieved.  Maybe I am reading something into it that wasn’t there, and it has been a very long time since I read the book.  But we are led to believe that he was living with a great amount of pain, both from an injury sustained years earlier and emotional pain.  The wound never fully healed.  It was that look of happy relief that made me think of Madison.

One of my sisters told me after we lost Madison that when she left her body, she probably felt no pain for the first time since she was a little girl.  Madison’s first thought was probably I’m not going back this feels too good.  Indeed, I wouldn’t ask her to give up bliss.  But bliss is not what we feel or felt when she left us.

It has been 10 years; I can hardly believe it.  I still think about Madison daily, but I’m happy to say I no longer cry daily.  The pain and sadness of her absence is still there it’s just different.  There are still days when it is intense, I hide it well.  Those who know me will have to let me know if I really do hide it well.  I still talk about her because she is still a part of my life in thoughts and memories.  And when I talk about Madison, I’m not looking for a pity party I just want people to know how amazing she was.  That’s why I talk about how great all my kids are.  She’s one of my kids so I’ll keep talking.

And by the way, Madison liked Lord of the Rings too.  We both thought Legolas was so pretty on that screen.  So like Frodo she may have been relieved to let go of the pain of life, but we certainly were not.

Contemplation

I watched a short film not long ago called, “The Life of Death,” considering the mood I was in, that probably wasn't a good idea.  It was haunting and sad but also surprisingly sweet; and it brought me to tears, actually I cried quite a bit. I find the topic of death sad but fascinating though I try not to think about it much.  The mystery of the unknown, of what happens when we die has always drawn me in, even when I was a child. Not that I'm obsessed on it but more philosophically. My experience with losing loved ones from a very young age may have started this wondering.

Some people of strong religious belief will tell you they know exactly what happens when we die.  But do they really? I mean really know!? As a christian I do believe in the existence of heaven and hell but what about the journey?  I feel we are all on the journey now, our life choices determine our death or eternal life. But does it happen in an instant? Do we greet lost loved ones before our judgement?  Do we arrive at the pearly gates or hell the moment we pass? Are there really gates? I have seen movies and read books about the near death experiences of real people and while there is a similar tone through each description none are the same.  That leads me to believe that just as no two lives are identical so no two deaths or death experiences will be the same. Many people who have had a near death experience say they have seen a bright light and have the feeling of being in a sort of tunnel and seeing departed loved ones.  I read one account that seemed a little business like, and another that was scary. I have also heard that what we "think" we experience is simply our brain synapses in the dying process and because we all have different thoughts we'll all have different experiences. If that helps you sleep at night.

While going through Madison’s notebooks after she died I found quite a few poems that she wrote and papers written for school.  She wrote down many things that seemed like they were ideas for poems or stories but had not gotten very far. One such thing was a statement that left me wondering and a little shocked.  I do believe that in the last couple of years of her life she spent a lot of time thinking about death. Madison’s last two years in particular, her health was declining. She was having a harder time with energy levels and just getting tired quicker than usual.  Her cardiologist confirmed that her aorta was increasing in size and the medicine was not working. When we realized heart surgery was in her near future I believe that sparked her deeper contemplation of death.

“Unfortunately death is something you need to do alone”

This statement was oddly placed on an assignment for one of her classes in ninth grade.  The teacher asked students to write down different things about themselves like: Where do you see yourself in ten years?  What do you value most? What will you do this weekend? Etc. But several lines down set apart from all of the answers to the questions, she wrote that very singular line.  I did not see the actual questions so I can only infer what they were by the answers but this one stood out. She was right.

I like to think her journey was smooth and for her joyful.  I imagine her two pawpaw’s and granny were waiting with open arms along with other lost loved ones.  This is how I hope my journey to “the undiscovered country” goes, into the arms of Madison. For now I am on my journey hopefully making the choices that will get me to her one day. This is what helps me sleep at night.

26

          Today, April 10th would have been Madison’s 26th birthday.  Ten years ago we didn’t realize we were celebrating her last birthday with us; a month earlier we didn’t know if she would see her sixteen birthday.  She had gotten out of the hospital almost two weeks earlier and we had a quiet celebration at home. Her friends would see her a few days later. I was so filled with gratitude and love that she made it through a difficult month in New Orleans Children’s Hospital.  We were cautiously hopeful for her recovery. And yes this is all hard to think about but it is compounded by another recent loss. Madison’s beloved dog Danny has gone to be with her.

I know that some will say Danny can’t possibly be with Madison because dogs don’t go to heaven.  My response to that is, how do you know? How does anybody really know what heaven is like? Some say heaven doesn’t exist.  Some people will say it’s in the bible that there are no animals in heaven. Well it’s also in the bible that God created everything, even the animals; so if animals are created by God why wouldn’t they be in heaven?  This is not exactly where I intended this post to go, but c’est la vie. I’ve heard it said that in heaven we are in a perfect state of being so we don’t need animals. This is man’s interpretation. We are all fallible humans, we interpret what we read but is our interpretation completely correct?  I know I may sound like a doubting Thomas but unless you have been to heaven and came back with undeniable proof that there are no animals or pets in heaven, I will choose to believe that my sweet girl gets to see her “treasure” again. She loved that dog so much and he adored her.

“All Dogs Go to Heaven” is a movie that Madison only watched I think once.  She couldn’t bear the thought of a dog, especially one of our dogs dying. When we got Danny for Madison in 2006 it was in part to help her recover after spine surgery that she had a few months earlier.  We thought Danny would encourage Madison to move around more. We thought playing with him would be good light exercise for her and it was. Danny’s main role though was comfort. Madison loved him deeply and would talk to him about things she thought she couldn’t share with anyone else and he was devoted to her.  He rarely left her side; he would wait for her to come home from school by sitting next to the front door or in her bedroom. We tried several times to take him outside to run while Madison sat on a blanket to watch. Every time when he realized she wasn’t running he would go sit next to her and not budge.

Danny wasn’t the perfect dog but we loved him.  After we lost Madison, Danny would still look for her and wait for her to come home.  This was so sad to watch, but eventually after many months he found a new routine, we all did.  Before Madison’s heart surgery she willed him to Derric. When Derric moved to Knoxville he took over much of Danny’s care.  They bonded and Danny had a new favorite. As Danny aged he developed some serious and irreversible health conditions. Derric and Leslie have taken great care of Danny during the last year of his life.  They have loved him and doted over him and basically adjusted their lives around his needs. They have been wonderful dogie parents.

Losing Danny is like losing a small earthly connection to Madison because she loved and treasured him.  Loving Danny was another way to honor and love her. Danny went peacefully surrounded by much love. I choose to believe that Madison and Danny are both in heaven and doing things they couldn’t do together when she was alive, like running.  Happy birthday baby, we miss you so much and Danny too.

So long and thanks for all the...lessons!

I am thankful for everyday God has granted to me and my loved ones.  I am grateful for the good and the not so good because they have helped me mature and grow.  I am thankful for being able to rest in my comfort zone when I have had enough and for being forced out of it when I needed a push, or shove.   I am not sorry that 2018 has come to an end.  There were many good things that happened in 2018, but there were some disappointing things as well.  I am starting 2019 with resolve to accomplish a few goals that felt out of reach in 2018.

I remember watching a movie when I was a kid, I can’t remember the name, but it ended with the son dying and after his death the mom walked and walked the streets of New York.  She did it because her son couldn’t.  I know some of my motivation comes from knowing Madison couldn’t do many of the things she would have loved to do.  She loved children, that was part of my motivation for getting a job at a child development center.  I am very thankful that my boss took a chance on someone who hadn't had a job outside the home in quite a few years, me.  I love where I work and the people and students I work with.

In 2019 I will continue trying to see the silver lining to any disappointments that may come my way.  This is not a negative thought it’s realistic, disappointments will come and go, how we deal with them defines us.  Madison showed a brave outward appearance, but there were times when she would privately breakdown from the pain.  When I think I have it tough I remember my children who have had to live through things that some people never will.  I don't say this to diminish anything anyone else has gone through, I only speak from my own life experience.  Constant pain, being shunned because you are different, not being able to keep up with friends, watching a beloved sibling die and the family aftermath are just a few of the trials my children have dealt with over the years, I could say more.  Remembering these trials helps me remember my priorities; God, family and friends.  I remember that kindness matters and can mean so much to the person on the receiving end.  I try to be kind and am grateful to have been the recipient of much kindness in my life and hope in the coming year and beyond to be able to show more kindness.

So, in 2019 I will continue working with children not just for me but for Madison too, because she would have loved it like I do.  I will work toward my associate degree in early childhood education.  I will proudly watch my son marry the love of his life, Madison would have loved her too, we all do.  I will watch my daughter graduate from college, we are so proud, Madison would have been too.  I will keep looking for the silver lining and relish the good days.  I am thankful for 2018 but happy to start 2019.  So long 2018, and thanks for all the... lessons.

Wagon ride

The story behind this photo is one of simple pleasures.  When you live on almost three acres of land a riding lawn mower is a necessity not a luxury.  Every once in a while if the weather was not too hot Mark would clean out the wagon that attached to the back of the mower.  He would get the kids and give them a ride around the yard, taking care not to go too fast or hit too many bumps. As you can see by the looks on their faces Derric, Madison and Dallas loved it.  It was like a tiny hayride in our own backyard...but without the hay, usually a blanket or towel to sit on.

The little fun things we used to do with our children gives me such peace.  Knowing that we took the time to lay in the grass and watch the clouds go by.  Or sitting on the big swing in our yard and talking or the hammock. We used to pretend to dance the tango down our very long hallway.  Picnics in the living room when it rained were one of my favorites. I hope Derric and Dallas remember these little things and think on them with a smile.  These memories always bring a smile to my face. I hope they know how much they are loved and have been greatly loved, their whole lives.

My unsolicited advice to anyone reading this, cherish the small moments.  Sear them into your brain to think on when your children are no longer small.  Take time to talk with your children, read to them and with them. Make up original stories to tell them at bed time.  Lay on a blanket in the grass and watch the clouds go by. Play music loud and dance as a family together in the den. Do silly things together, make a million good little memories.  They grow up so fast and these memories will bring you comfort.

These memories do bring me great comfort especially since there are no more memories to be made with Madison.  Those stopped nine years ago today. I am so grateful that I still get to make new memories with Mark, Derric, Dallas, Noelle and Juliana and the new addition to our family Derric’s fiance’ Leslie.  I am also happy that I can still say, I truly am a blessed woman. While today won’t be easy for those of us who knew and loved Madison, I take comfort from my sweet memories because not only do they make me cry they also make me smile.

Sad Box

Well I am at it again, this time there is more purpose in my actions.  I am de-cluttering my house in an effort to downsize. I thought starting with smaller projects would make the bigger projects go more smoothly.  The girls bedrooms seemed a good pace to begin. I emptied containers that were in Madison’s room that actually belong to Dallas. There is now a donate pile, a keep (give back to Dallas) pile and a garbage bag on the way to being filled up.  

I came upon two paper shopping/gift bags that have been moved to different places around the house over the last, almost nine years.  Realizing that something had to be done with them other than just keep moving them I sat on the floor of Madison’s bedroom and dug in.  Mistake number one...I was not emotionally prepared for this activity. Mistake number two...there were people at my house doing repairs and they occasionally needed to talk to me.  After about five minutes of going through the contents of these bags I was not fit to speak to anyone. I stopped this particular project and eventually moved on to something else.

These two bags hold all the sympathy cards and letters we received from family, friends, acquaintances and coworkers after we lost Madison.  I kept everything even the ribbons that came with some. I have not had the will or the strength to go through all the feelings these notes would bring up.  But I figured I had better just do it and get it done.

That was a little over a week ago, so I got myself prepared mentally and emotionally and made sure I had the time and the house all to myself for at least part of the day.  Because I was prepared, the emotions didn’t completely overwhelm me but I did go through a few tissues. I was surprised that some of the cards made me a bit irked, I didn’t keep those.  I decided to keep some of the cards and put them in a small box to store more easily. I am really glad I went through those bags because they contained quite a few photos.

When I shared what I was going to do with Derric he told me, “Great you’re going to have a box filled with sadness, just put that thing in a dark corner of the attic.  When you feel like crying pull out your sad box.” This made me laugh. So I now have a “sad box” but it’s not in the attic.

I feel a need to keep the cards and letters that I chose because they remind me, not that I need much reminding, how much Madison was loved.  Some of them contain such genuine and heartfelt expressions of love for Madison and for us as her family. When I read them I felt grateful that these family and friends took the time to express their love for my sweet girl and how much they care for us.  They remind me that my sweet girl touched more lives than I knew and she will be remembered. That’s so important to me, that she is remembered for her love, compassion, friendship and that amazing wit and sense of humor.

I miss her terribly.  There are so many good things I wish we could share with her.  Love my kids so much!

Lists

Madison kept up the family tradition of making lists.  I make lists, my mother made lists and her mother made lists.  I believe my sisters make lists and I know Dallas and Derric do too.  Everyday I have a new to-do list.  There are shopping lists, lists of big chores, small chores and repairs.  Lists for work, home, school, people, you name it and I probably have made a list for it.

After we lost Madison I found some of her lists.  She had to-do lists, but also baby name lists, favorite tv show lists, Pokemon lists, tv show character lists even lists of colors.  She had lists of family members, friends and you get the picture.  I now find myself in the happy position of helping to assemble a wedding list.  Derric, Madison's big brother is getting married and we, Mark, Dallas and I are crazy about Leslie.  I know that Madison would have loved her too and that Leslie would have loved Madison.  We are happily looking forward to their wedding day and I know that Madison will be there in spirit but...

So here was my to-do list for today April 10, 2018.

• 9 AM Mass
• Home Depot
• Costco
• Doctor appt
• Visit Madison's grave
• Dinner

It was a much shorter list than most days.  Today is Madison's birthday, she would have been twenty five years old.  I love and miss her terribly.

Happy Birthday sweet girl!!!  That's all I got

I Believe in the Sun

Recently at church I heard a song based on a poem that was written on the wall of a concentration camp during WWII.  The song and poem are called “I Believe in the Sun.”  

        I believe in the sun even

         when it is not shining.

         I believe in love even when

         I cannot feel it.  I believe in

         God even when he is silent.     Anonymous

As I listened to these words being sung I felt sad and had goosebumps.  I began to think about the reasons people give for losing their faith or not believing in God.  And considering the horrors of WWII and what I have read about concentration camps, the reasons seem a bit feeble.  If someone living through hell can remain in their faith, I am awed by them.

Yes, I was angry for a while after we lost Madison.  I questioned how a loving God could let something happen that hurt so many people.  And yes, for a brief period I wondered if God heard my prayers or really existed.  I understand how someone can hurt so badly that they question, then I remember the faith I had before losing Madison.  But more than that I look at the world around me and beauty we are surrounded by.  Yes I know and see the bad too, I've lived through some of the bad.  I choose every day to find the good, even if I can only find one good thing at least there is one.  I am blessed I can usually find many good things, my family, friends, job, pets, flowers, sunshine and rain just to name a few.  I also remember the faith Madison had.  She lived with physical and emotional pain every day during her last year's with us yet she had a strong faith.  I think that that faith sustained her and helped her not give up, but inspired her to try every day to do the best she could.  Madison’s strength and faith and humor taught me so much.  

Yes, we prayed for Madison to be healed, and I don't understand the answer we got except to say she's no longer in pain.  The person who wrote the poem, “I believe in the sun,” was obviously in the midst of a living nightmare yet, still had faith, hope and love.  I can't imagine the horrors endured in a WWII concentration camp, but hope lived.  I think that is a beautiful thing.  So who are we?  Yes, in life we will endure disappointments, we may even experience a tragedy, the loss of a loved one or some unexpected really bad thing may happen to us or a loved one.  I guess losing faith, to me feels like giving up.  So because we didn't get the answer we wanted, or don't understand the answer, we decide that God doesn't exist?  We just give up?  Maybe I'm a bit of a cynic, maybe a little bitter, I don't know.  I do know that I won't give up on God or myself.  I was weak after losing my daughter, drained and overwhelmed with grief.  I questioned God, I think asking questions is a good thing and can help heal.  Healing from profound loss is a process; sometimes moving forward and sometimes a little bit backwards but hopefully mostly forward.  

Would I love to have Madison here with me?  Yes!  And it doesn't hurt any less knowing she's not in pain any more.  It will always hurt that she died, that I can't hug her or hear her voice or laugh with her.  It hurts everyday, and I can't change what happened.  What I can do is honor my daughter's memory by living a hopeful and faith filled life.  I guess my point is that someone in a WWII concentration camp still believed in God even though surrounded by horrific conditions.  I won't let disappointment, heartache or profound loss steal my faith.  Madison believed and so do I.  And if this makes me “religious” so be it.  As we celebrated another Christmas, our ninth without Madison, and welcome a new year the pain of her absence is still present.  It never goes away.  I will remember her love for Christmas, her family, her dog and God.  Believe, and never give up!   Or as Madison would say, "Never give up, never surrender!". (Galaxy Quest)

Eight Years

It’s been eight years today since my sweet Madison left us; and the world kept turning.  We survived, I survived.  I have in my life heard people say things like, “I would just die if…” or “I couldn’t handle it if…”  I realize that statements such as these are exaggerations used to make a point about how difficult some situations can be.  You would be surprised what you can handle, bear, deal with, live through and survive.

Before we lost our Madison I remember on occasion making hyperbolic statements like those.  I know better now.  I know that I can survive great adversity and unimaginable pain.  I know that I can learn and hopefully grow from the difficulties in my life.  I know all this because I already have survived and am continuously learning and growing.  Sure I have set backs, just ask my family.  But I like to think that I learn from those too.

In spite of losing one of my precious children I continued to breathe.  The seasons continue to change and time still ticks away.  Happily our family continues to grow.  We are about to officially welcome a new member into the family this week.  We love this little girl, a niece, and I know the feelings would have been mutual between her and Madison.  It’s the “circle of life” is it not?  One goes and eventually another arrives.

I will go about my day with my children in my heart and on my mind; Madison because I miss her terribly, Derric and Dallas and Noelle too, because I wish they didn’t have to feel this pain so young.

God Wink

Signs… they are everywhere if you know what to look for.  I guess?  I’m not one to see signs or hidden meanings in my surrounding but occasionally I’ll see something that makes me think, hmmm.  I like to call these God winks.  I did not make up this term, I believe I heard it on the Sirius radio's Catholic channel.  It is something too coincidental to be pure accident.

I don’t remember if it was when Madison was in middle school or high school when I found out about Pi Day.  She loved to eat pie and when she found out that there was a Pi Day she was excited.  She knew it represented the number 3.14 but she loved the silliness of it.  Her friends even gave her a t-shirt with the picture of a pie on it and in the pie is baked the symbol for pi.  She loved that shirt.

So today I went for my usual morning walk in the neighborhood and as looked down I saw the pi symbol on the sidewalk.  It looked as though someone purposely put it there because it was too perfect.  At first it looked like it was made of the wrapper from around a straw.  But a close up of the photo shows that someone tore up paper that has writing on it to make this symbol.  Now I’m sure whoever did this did not do it with me in mind.  However I found it and it made me think of Madison and that made me smile.  This pi symbol may not have been intended for me by the person who left it on the sidewalk where I like to walk, but I thank you for my God wink.

I couldn't find a photo of Madison wearing the t-shirt so I just took one of the shirt. I still have all of her favorite t-shirts and plan to make a quilt out of them one day for myself. I wish she were still hear to wear them. Though I'm sure by now there would have been newer cooler t's and clothes to wear.

And by the way she liked this song too!

Life and Death Lessons

“God allows us to experience the low points of life in order to teach us lessons that we could learn in no other way.”  C.S. Lewis

After reading the quote above my first thought was, “how dense am I that my child had to die for me to be taught a lesson?”  For a long time, even before I read the quote I’ve heard that God can bring good out of the bad things that happen.  I guess that is the silver lining concept.  Seriously though what good can come out of the death of a child?  I don’t think I am the only parent wondering this question.  So I reflect on my life and the lives of my family members before we lost Madison.

Her life taught us so much, like acceptance of those who are different.  I feel we became more sensitive to people who are disabled and their desire to be treated like everyone else.  And just in general to treat everyone with a little kindness.  She helped us learn to be more patient.  We realized that just because someone smiles doesn’t mean they are okay.  Her life and the lives of each of my children taught me the true meaning of unconditional love.  These are just a few of the things her life has taught me.  So now I ponder what have I learned from her death.

I learned that grief and sorrow are not just a psychological feeling but gut wrenching physical feelings too.  I learned that grief is physically exhausting.  I learned that most of the world doesn’t care about the loss of one child.  I learned who my real friends are.  I learned that some people equate the loss of their pet with the loss of my child.  I learned that some people say really stupid things when they don’t know what to say.  This made me wonder about what stupid thing have I said in difficult situations.  I learned that not every prayer we pray gets us the answer we want.

A couple of years after we lost Madison I started learning some new things.  I learned that I can be really angry at God but He still loves me.  I learned that Madison had more friends than I knew.  I learned that she shared a gift with her Pawpaw Francis and could make all of her friends feel special just like he made all of his grandchildren feel special.  I learned that my faith didn’t die with her but went into hibernation for just a little while.  I learned that God loves us even when he says no, just like our parents when we are young.  I learned that I didn’t cause her passing because I prayed the wrong prayer or the wrong way.  Her passing wasn’t a punishment.

If the quote above is true, I feel like I still have many things to learn from the loss of my beloved child.  Her life was a most amazing gift and to have her taken away so suddenly for a while did feel like a punishment.  I know better now and this is one reason why I write about Madison.  I want to celebrate her life through writing so that everyone who reads it will get a glimpse of how wonderful she was.  My nephew Murray wanted to follow her around with a camera just to catch the things she would say.  She was so clever and funny he didn’t want to miss anything.  I wish we had taken more video of her.

Today would have been Madison’s 24th birthday.  On this day I’ll remember the lessons learned from her life and her death. But most of all I will think about how much she loved her family, her friends, her dogs, and her birthday.  I know she’s celebrating in heaven!